Again updated

I had to put Stripey down today. I woke up at eleven to miserable weather and a phone call for my friend and I to have a nice day out and I found a note downstairs saying Stripey had a nosebleed.
I found him in my sister's room.
He had a nosebleed that had lasted at least four hours. I called my mother and she said she'd left at seven thirty or so. I called the vet immediately after that only to be told I had to wait until 1:45. We were still late to the appointment because we had to get my baby into the carrier.
I've never felt so low. I took him in and listened as the vet explained that the mass in his liver wasn't limited to just his liver, but had gotten into his bone marrow, killing the platelets or whatever you call them that aid in clotting. His blood wasn't clotting and he was so miserable before I got him into the carrier.
He peed in his carrier on accident. He was apologetic about it and all I could do was cry and hold him. I didn't make my vet's job any easier by bawling my broken heart out. I held him while they gave him the shot and as he left. The last things my baby heard was "I love you baby" blurted about fifty million times between sobs.  I held him until the vet came to take him.
I can't believe I woke up this morning thinking everything was okay again for a little while.
The rugs gone. I'm not putting it back on the floor just to get pulled out again.
My heart hurts.  It's gonna hurt for a while I think. I'm so tempted to just give up, I hurt so bad.